Do you know that moment in movies when a mother has just given birth and holds their child for the first time? There is sweet music playing that drowns out everything else as she looks at her baby and has this overwhelming sense of love and connection. I did not have that moment.
Thirty or so hours after having Luke, I was able to go to meet him for the first time. Most of my memories from that moment are from a video Daniel took of us. I looked at his little, fragile body covered in monitors and felt scared for him. I worried that he was hurting, alone, and not meant to be in this world yet. I also had an overwhelming sense of sadness because I did not feel like his mom. I grew this little life inside of me for 31 weeks yet here I was feeling no connection to the little boy in that incubator and that scared me.
Over the course of the next 64 days in the NICU I began to build a bond with him. I watched him learn to breath completely on his own, learn to take a bottle, hold his own temperature, keep his heart rate up while being held, graduate to clothes, and fight for every ounce he gained. Those 64 days were important for my growth too. I learned how to use a pump, how to change and weigh tiny diapers, take temperatures, feed bottles, burp him, snuggle despite all the wires, and found my voice to become his advocate. Ultimately, we fought hard each day to get him to where he needed to be so that he could home with us and each day that connection I was so worried about having grew stronger. I grew an unconditional love for him.
Looking back I wish I could tell myself that it was okay to feel lost. I wasn’t broken for not feeling a connection with my child. It didn’t mean I loved him any less. Becoming a mother is hard, and just like any other relationship in your life it takes time to develop. I was a good mother then and I am a good mother now.
