Thanksgiving for the past several years has been traveling to see my mom’s side of the family. We typically rent a big cabin and spend a few days together. One of our traditions is a time of worship after our Thanksgiving meal. It’s a time of prayer, singing, and just sharing things to be thankful for. Last year on the trip there I mentioned to Daniel that I was dreading this time of worship. I didn’t feel thankful for anything. We were in the thick of Luke’s feeding battle and motherhood had been so hard.
This time last year Luke was vomiting again, losing weight, eating nothing by mouth, and was scheduled to have a scope done shortly after thanksgiving. I was mentally exhausted and had a hard time finding any aspect of parenting I enjoyed. I felt like we were never going to see him thrive. This year I am thankful for just how much can change in a year. We headed to visit family and for this holiday I didn’t pack a single syringe, bottle, or anything extra to tube feed him. There was no thought of ‘just in case’ options. He was simply just going to eat what everyone else ate and that felt so good. Not only is Luke physically thriving but, I have put in the work for my mental health and am finally in a place to enjoy motherhood. We do the “normal” things I imagined us doing. Last year going to the library, park, play dates, or having sleepovers with grandparents felt impossible but, this year we’ve enjoyed every single one of those things.
2022 has been a year of growth. Luke recently had his final evaluation for feeding therapy and graduated! We are done!! He has been a completely oral eater for six months. Last week we went and saw his GI specialist and it was so much easier to walk in with an oral eater who was thriving without the use of his tube. His GI was thrilled with his progress, and he officially approved him for tube removal! WOAH! However, Luke had a team that collaborated on his surgery and feeding tube placement so naturally the same team had to approve to take it out. Next on the list to visit was the surgical team. We were able to get in to see them this past week and to our surprise not only did we get approval to have it removed, but they also removed it! Luke is officially tubie free!
This most recent drive to the hospital was an emotional one but it was different than many of my other emotional drives to the hospital. I was in awe of how much God had done in Luke’s life in the past two years. If I’m honest, I didn’t always feel God or feel confident in the path He had chosen for Luke. I’ve learned that that’s the great thing about God though, He didn’t need me to understand to continue to be there. As we approached the hospital the song “You Already Know” by JJ Heller came on and I broke down. I listened to that song every day Luke was in the NICU and many times throughout his first two years. That song has been my anthem for mothering. God has known every difficult thing we would deal with since Luke was born and even in my doubt or anger, He has continued to show His presence.
